Why?

In 2013 I was trying to convince my folks to move closer to me, and bought a car that would be large, comfortable, easy to get in and out of with a large back seat. I also wanted something fun to drive.

Consider others?

Obvious alternatives at the time were some sort of Charger, or a Chevy SS. The Chevy SS wasn’t that much more, and there was a Peacock green one nearby. In retrospect, I probably should have looked closer at it. Chargers were everywhere, and I didn’t dig how their jibs were cut.

What was it like to buy?

Pretty wretched experience, but a typical Ford dealership thing. I really wanted a green one, but couldn’t find one in 300 miles. I found a deal on a black one, took it for a test drive, and did the horrendously long deal. The last time I did dealer financing. I don’t enjoy negotiating – it bores me. It took forever, but I finally drove it home, ploughing through I-35 like a slick black steam shovel.

Was it fun to drive?

Sometimes. The 3.5 Ecoboost V6 is really a great engine, and was plenty to move the beast down the road. Handling was acceptable. It never felt squirrelly, nor did it beg to take corners at speed. The big let down was the antiquated transmission, which felt pokey in anything but sport mode, and even then, it was a bit pokey.

It was a great road trip car. Though the front seats were snugger than you’d expect for a car of the SHO’s girth, it was comfy, quiet, good enough stereo, and seats that would heat, cool, and message your back end.

It was by a considerable measure the largest and widest car I’ve owned, or will ever own. Parking was a hassle, especially with the wide doors. On surface roads, I felt like I was taking up a lane and a half, ready to clip mirrors with oncoming traffic. Most of that is likely that I spent most of my adult life in hatchbacks, but the Taurus was portly.

Memorable drives?

I made plenty of trips to Midland to visit the folks. It’s the Austin – Burnet – Llano – Brady – San Angelo – Sterling City path that was burned into my neurons since the late 80s. The Taurus was made for the trip, with the creature comforts and adaptive cruise. That route is best run starting out from Austin around 3:00 pm on a Friday afternoon. As the sun goes down (before you hit the Permian Basin proper) you seen the blooms of halogen lights illuminating small town high school football games between the seas of cotton. Then you hit the big darkness once you turn on 158 at Sterling City, with flares of gas released from deep underground and tumbleweeds messing with your highway hypnotitude.

My wife drove it the first leg out of Fort Worth in the snow. She said it handled fine.

The SHO came equipped with the self parking party trick. I only used it a couple of times, but once was with my in-laws in the back seat, so it was cool in the dorkiest way possible.

How about them recalls?

My gosh that thing was being recalled over and over and over again. Like some other Fords I had, it was a good idea, pretty good drive train, but was just stapled together wrong. Beside the recalls, the b-pillar light up touch pad that lets you get in without your keys? The SHO decided to eject that piece while I was barreling down the highway, but the piece still hung on by its power line, whacking itself to death on the rear door. I got flashbacks to that malfunction when I saw the new Mach-E has the same gizmo. Man, I think it should have just stayed on the Crown Vics and Town Cars.

Any diecasts?

Well, of course. I’ve a couple of Hot Wheels of the black Taurus, and a bigger one that was a tie in to Men In Black III.

Any regrets?

Not really, sort of. My dad made fun of the car the first time I drove it to see them in Midland. Maybe he was just a GM guy, maybe the wheels did look a little ridiculous, maybe he decided he was never going to move, and that he was going to die in Midland. And he did. It’s complicated. And not entirely the Taurus’ fault.

Replaced with?

Having learned little about Fords, my post-chemotherapy present to myself was a 2017 Ford Focus RS.