Overall, not bad. As I write this, they are number 3 in the nation in baseball, runners up in volleyball. And with boring regularity, swimming champions.

Tuesday night, the Baseball ‘horns powered through their second COVID vaccinations to snag a victory from not really rivals University of the Immaculate Word (they were the Cardinals, but I was disappointed their mascot was a bird and not, you know, a cardinal). I had not been to UFCU Disch-Falk Field before, and baseball in the late stage pandemic was slightly trippy. I’m not a fan of crowds, so a Tuesday night non-conference game against a opponent with a losing record with limited seating and a rain forcast was my ideal visit to the Disch. It did get spooky, at times, and it only increased in the later innings as intermittent rain thinned out the already sparse herd.

Of course, the event began and end with “Texas Fight” (from my time at the University, pretty straight ahead ditty with the message “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT”) and the more controversial “Eyes of Texas.”

Yeah, my heart was not at all in the “Eyes of Texas” for all the reasons you can read elsewhere (here’s the official account, the Texas Tribune coverage and a recent Texas Monthly article). I lean toward the Grits for Breakfast approach to resolution of the issue. I mean, it’s a nursery rhyme with creepy lyrics performed in black face. It hurts people when you sing it. It hurts the athletes when you sing it. If this is the hill you want to die on, it isn’t about the song. At the ball game, it had a sniff of white grievance, a smell that thoroughly turns my stomach, and after four years, and not get used to.

You now know the history. It is bad. Pick something new. Here’s where I can help.

As a service to my University where I learned a lot, and is full of terrific folks, I offer the following playlist AS A STARTING POINT. My criteria were songs about Texas, songs by or performed by alumni, and songs performed in proximity to the University. Change some lyrics and pick a tune, just not, y’know, “I’ve Been Working On the Railroad.” If nothing else, I’ll be singing one of these songs when everyone else is singing that other song come the time.

“A State of Texas” – Old 97’s “I’m living in a State of Texas and Texas lives in me.” Extra points for “the eyes of Texas are smiling on me.” Yeah! Smiling is a much better condition for eyes than the menacing “upon.” And I know the Old 97’s guitar player has a degree from UT.

“Screw You, We’re From Texas” – Ray Wylie Hubbard (one of the Central Texas Three Named singers). As mentioned by Grits (see link above). Replace the names of honky-tonks for UT sports venues, and musicians for athletes, with highest honors for Earl Campbell and Vince Young. Sing along chorus and we are done. Not musically sophisticated, but hey, we’re talking about “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad” so the bar is lower than some homespun Texas metaphor describing low things.

“That’s Right (You’re Not from Texas)” – Lyle Lovett. Qualifies for sing-along chorus, and good attitude (“Texas wants you anyway”) but may be disqualified since Lyle is an Aggie. That’s a bright crimson line that we dasn’t cross.

“We are the Cowboys” – Willie Nelson. Because it’s Willie. Until the University President commissions a new tune from him (hey, he did one for Taco Bell, and I’d wager he’s got a couple dozen in his back pocket right now), this recent Nelson performance may have to do. Truncate a couple of verses, and sub “Longhorns” for “Cowboys.” I like the sound of “Longhorns are average, American people. Texicans, Mexicans, black men, and Jews.”

“King of the Hill Theme Song” – The Refreshments. After a long ball game, no one wants to hang around. At 30 seconds, this is the traffic beating option with the only word you need: “Woo Hoo.”

“Killer Lifestyle” – Pong O.k., hear me out. It’s pretty cool, got a good riff. Authentically Austin, with only a dash of University.

“More Man” – The Meat Purveyors If you want to go the schoolyard taunt route, “more man than you’ll ever be and more woman than you’ll ever get” is hard to top, appropriate for men’s and women’s teams (Hookem Texas Volleyball!)

“Big Ass On Fire” – Pocket Fishrmen. Obvs.

“Porque” – Grupo Fantasma. I really want to sing this after a disappointing Horns football season. Along with 98,000 others. In a big stadium. (Beatles is cheating, so it has to be this arrangement, in Spanish)

“True Love Will Find You In The End” – Daniel Johnston. I remember seeing Daniel selling his cassettes on the Drag as I trudged down from the Communications Building to G/M Steakhouse down toward MLK. Did he work at the Burger King at the Dobie? Maybe. “Don’t give up.”

“The Ballad of Charles Whitman” – Kinky Friedman. So not really. But Kinky got his BA at UT the same year as the events described. (But bullet holes in buildings from the Whitman shooting were pointed out to me by a passerby on one of those same walks on the Drag.)

“Me and Bobby McGee” – Janis Joplin. She went to UT, and Kristofferson was born in Brownsville, so it’s got the Texas propers. And I remember when the Horns went to the Freedom Bowl after losing the Southwest Conference Championship, so the chorus can have some historic import. And sing along chorus no one needs to remember the words to.

“Fun Fun Fun” – The Big Boys If you want your cake and eat it also, listen to the end. It’s not all about fun, but mostly.

“Row Your Boat” – The Casting Couch. A song about grad school, an experience that isn’t explored enough in the pop idiom. Also, UT adjacent players, including my wife.

“You Don’t Love Me Yet” – Roky Erikson. This is personal, because I feel that UT doesn’t love me. Yet.

BONUS TRACK

Ok. Gotta throw a bone to wealthy alumni. (No, I don’t. STUD PONY! KICKING IN THE STALL!)